Bert Kreischer Quotes

Bert Kreischer Quotes

  1. “I don’t think I’m going to live past 57. I’m just going to go out in a blaze of glory.”
  2. “I’ve never met a drug dealer who knows how to whisper.”
  3. “I don’t know how to not be a party animal. It’s like asking a fish not to swim.”
  4. “My kids are like little FBI agents. They always find the candy stash.”
  5. “I love being a dad. It’s like having a bunch of unpaid interns.”
  6. “I’m not lazy; I’m just energy efficient.”
  7. “I have a dad bod. It’s a six-pack covered in bubble wrap.”
  8. “I’m the guy who will dance at a funeral if ‘Sweet Caroline’ comes on.”
  9. “My wife says I’m like having a third child. She’s not wrong.”
  10. “I don’t believe in diets. I believe in tacos.”
  11. “I’m not old; I’m vintage.”
  12. “I’m not a morning person. I’m more of a ‘wake up and regret everything’ person.”
  13. “My spirit animal is a sloth with a caffeine addiction.”
  14. “I’ve never had a salad that changed my life.”
  15. “I have two speeds: ‘let’s do shots’ and ‘let’s take a nap.'”
  16. “I’m not a role model. I’m more of a cautionary tale.”
  17. “I’m not great with technology. I still use a flip phone.”
  18. “I’m like a human GPS, but instead of directions, I give bad advice.”
  19. “If I had a dollar for every bad decision I’ve made, I could probably retire.”
  20. “My dream job would be a professional karaoke singer.”
  21. “I’m not a handyman. I’m more of a ‘call someone to fix it’ man.”
  22. “I don’t understand people who don’t like pizza. It’s like not liking happiness.”
  23. “I’m not saying I’m a superhero, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room together?”
  24. “I have a PhD in procrastination.”
  25. “I’m not afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of what might be in the dark.”
  26. “I’m like a fine wine. I get better with age, and I give people headaches.”
  27. “I don’t have a bucket list. I have a ‘fuck it’ list.”
  28. “I’m not a morning person. I’m more of a ‘leave me alone until I’ve had my coffee’ person.”
  29. “I’m not a chef, but I can microwave like a pro.”
  30. “I’m not a doctor, but I play one in my own mind.”
  31. “I’m not a fashion icon. I’m more of a ‘wear whatever doesn’t have stains’ kind of guy.”
  32. “I’m not saying I’m a genius, but I did once figure out how to open a childproof cap.”
  33. “I’m not a hoarder. I just have a lot of stuff I refuse to throw away.”
  34. “I’m not good with directions. I get lost in thought a lot.”
  35. “I’m not a psychic, but I have a feeling that something funny is about to happen.”

See Also: ISLAMIC QUOTES ABOUT FRIENDSHIP

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