Collection of Top 100 Demetri Martin Quotes With Images. Delve into the mind of this comedic genius as he effortlessly combines humor and intellect in concise phrases. From clever observations to whimsical wordplay, Demetri Martin’s quotes are a delightful journey into the absurdities of life. Discover a treasure trove of laughter and wisdom encapsulated in 120 characters or less. Whether you’re a fan of stand-up comedy or in need of a daily dose of humor, Demetri Martin’s quotes are sure to tickle your funny bone and leave you pondering the quirks of existence. Start your day with a smile and a nugget of wisdom from one of the most brilliant minds in comedy.

Demetri Martin Quotes

Demetri Martin Quotes

"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
"I named my dog 'Five Miles' so I can say I walk Five Miles every day."
"I bought a dictionary, but when I got home, all the pages were blank."
"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."
"I once asked a rock how it felt, but it was pretty stoned."
"I tried to write a joke about time travel, but you didn't laugh yet."
"I’m writing a self-help book. I don’t need your help, though. That’s the point."
"I put my bed in the fireplace. Now my dreams are on fire."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough."
"I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'"
"I have a friend who's a procrastinator. He hasn't finished his autobiography."
"I'm writing a screenplay about a screen door. It’s a real blockbuster."
"I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough."
"I have a microwave fireplace. I can sit in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes."
"I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time."
"I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired."
"I’m writing a book. I have the page numbers done; now I just need to fill in the rest."
"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
"I'm writing a letter to my future self but haven't decided when to send it."

Demetri Martin quotes how fast
Demetri Martin quotes how fast

"I got a CD player for my parachute. It came with 'fall' protection."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day."
"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything."
"I got a mirror on my ceiling. The other day I forgot I was lying on the floor."
"I got a reversible jacket. I'm excited to see how it turns out."
"I’m writing a script for a sequel to the Bible. I’m calling it the Second Testament."
"I have a map of the United States. Actual size. It says '1 mile equals 1 mile.'"
"I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'"
"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."
"I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add."
"I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious."
"I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. It finally dawned on me."
"I bought a house. It's a kit. You can build it yourself, but I'm not much of a carpenter, so I got a gingerbread man to help me."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done; now I just have to fill in the rest."
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
"I once asked a mime for directions. He just pointed."
"I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough."
"I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw."

Comedian Demetri Martin Quotes
Comedian Demetri Martin Quotes

"I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'"
"I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw."
"I put my bed in the fireplace. Now my dreams are on fire."
"I bought a dictionary, but when I got home, all the pages were blank."
"I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired."
"I got a reversible jacket. I'm excited to see how it turns out."
"I’m writing a self-help book. I don’t need your help, though. That’s the point."
"I got a CD player for my parachute. It came with 'fall' protection."
"I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time."
"I have a map of the United States. Actual size. It says '1 mile equals 1 mile.'"
"I got a reversible jacket. I'm excited to see how it turns out."
"I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'"
"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day."
"I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious."
"I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough."
"I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw."
"I'm writing a script for a sequel to the Bible. I’m calling it the Second Testament."
"I bought a house. It's a kit. You can build it yourself, but I'm not much of a carpenter, so I got a gingerbread man to help me."
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
"I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'"

Best Demetri Martin Quotes
Best Demetri Martin Quotes

"I got a reversible jacket. I'm excited to see how it turns out."
"I bought a dictionary, but when I got home, all the pages were blank."
"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."
"I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add."
"I put my bed in the fireplace. Now my dreams are on fire."
"I got a CD player for my parachute. It came with 'fall' protection."
"I have a map of the United States. Actual size. It says '1 mile equals 1 mile.'"
"I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time."
"I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired."
"I have a friend who's a procrastinator. He hasn't finished his autobiography."
"I’m writing a self-help book. I don’t need your help, though. That’s the point."
"I got a mirror on my ceiling. The other day I forgot I was lying on the floor."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'"
"I’m writing a book. I have the page numbers done; now I just need to fill in the rest."
"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
"I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough."
"I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough."
"I have a microwave fireplace. I can sit in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes."
"I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time."

Funny Demetri Martin Quotes
Funny Demetri Martin Quotes

"I got a reversible jacket. I'm excited to see how it turns out."
"I’m writing a script for a sequel to the Bible. I’m calling it the Second Testament."
"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day."
"I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'"
"I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw."
"I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious."
"I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired."
"I got a reversible jacket. I'm excited to see how it turns out."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done; now I just have to fill in the rest."
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
"I once asked a mime for directions. He just pointed."
"I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough."
"I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw."
"I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'"
"I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw."
"I put my bed in the fireplace. Now my dreams are on fire."
"I bought a dictionary, but when I got home, all the pages were blank."
"I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired."
"I got a reversible jacket. I'm excited to see how it turns out."
"I’m writing a self-help book. I don’t need your help, though. That’s the point."

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